


Fuck Magical Seahorses

by nana_banana



Category: Yu-Gi-Oh!
Genre: AU, Additional Characters, Alcohol, Alternate Universe, Anal Sex, Crack, Drunk Sex, Fluff, Humor, Language, M/M, Magical Creatures, Minor Canonical Character(s), Mpreg, Oral Sex, Sexual Content, Violetshipping
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-25
Updated: 2016-01-25
Packaged: 2018-05-16 02:32:20
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,070
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5810146
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nana_banana/pseuds/nana_banana
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Seto Kaiba curses the parents that birthed him. He blames them for the utter BS that is his life. But one blonde man changes his tune ... probably.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Fuck Magical Seahorses

**Author's Note:**

> 25% of the blame for this fic rests on my friend's shoulders (math credit goes to her). She translated Seto Kaiba's name and found out that part of his name actually means Hippocampus (the magical seahorse, not the part of the brain).
> 
> 40% of the blame rests on Takahashi Kazuki because he was the one who named Kaiba.
> 
> And finally, the rest of the 35% rests on me because I thought up the plot and stuff (why did I think this was a good idea). So I present to you, this crack fic. My first Violetshipping (as the main pairing) venture.
> 
> Enjoy.

Mating season was a curse. Seto Kaiba was sure of it. It was a damned curse and he would always think it. The primal urge to mate was disgusting and unnecessary in his opinion, and his opinion mattered very much. One would only need to ask his board of executives to know that his opinions could level mountains and send tidal waves through businesses all over the world. So if he said that mating season was bullshit, one best believe it was absolute  _bullshit._

When the first season came upon him, Seto Kaiba came incredibly close to losing his cool. The urge to fuck or be fucked had been extremely alarming to seventeen-year-old Kaiba. He had been in the middle of class, jotting down every bit of material he felt was relevant to the upcoming test. His heart had been the first sign of impending doom. It had skipped a beat, seemingly for no reason, and the lead of Kaiba’s mechanical pencil had snapped. Staring down at the unfinished word on the notebook, Kaiba had frowned. After a few seconds, his pulse began to race and Kaiba had grown concerned.

 _Am I having a heart attack?_  Kaiba had thought.

Kaiba’s heart was pounding, blood rushing in his ears. His skin sprouted goosebumps all over; from his legs, to his torso, from his arms to his neck, all the way up to his scalp, raising his hair on end. His skin had prickled uncomfortably and the oddest sensation had snaked down his spine with a wicked shudder, ending at his tailbone with an appalling squelch between the cheeks of his ass.

 _Did I just … shit myself?_  Kaiba thought with utmost repugnance.

Eyes wide, he had raised his head minutely, staring around the classroom with his heart in his throat. No one had yet noticed anything amiss and Kaiba had been relieved. The students around him were oblivious to his concerns. The blonde immediately to his left even more so than the rest. For the longest moment, Kaiba watched the sleeping blonde mess, baffled at what he was seeing. Katsuya Jounouchi, loser dog and bane of his existence, sat sleeping. His cheek rested comfortably on the heel of his left palm, the elbow of his arm poised at the very corner of his desk. His other arm rested on the open book, page turned to the beginning of the chapter, a part the class had long since read.

Katsuya Jounouchi, to all ends and purposes, appeared to be dozing peacefully. But what had alarmed Kaiba was not the sleeping, but rather his feelings on the matter. Jounouchi’s long neck was bared to Kaiba’s gaze, and he had imagined, for a single moment, running the blades of his fingertips along the skin, up to his square jaw, and touching those soft-looking lips. The fact that Kaiba had not been disgusted by his desire had made the buzzing in his brain halt in its tracks. And when he had imagined Jounouchi’s large hands on his own skin, gripping and caressing him, Kaiba’s blue eyes had widened in shock. He wanted to fuck Katsuya Jounouchi, and worse still, he wanted to fucked _by_ him. Instead of “Oh, no, he’s hot,” Kaiba’s brain adamantly screamed “Fuck no, he’s _not!”_

And when his cock began to stir in his pants, Kaiba’s blood had run cold. His entire body was betraying him with _feelings_ and notions. It was the very basis of his worst nightmares, only Kaiba knew well he was wide awake and everything was frighteningly _real._ Gulping dryly, Kaiba shifted in his seat and shuddered with disgust at the wet sensation in his ass. Teeth clenched, Kaiba had glanced to the door and very calmly gathered his things. Looking up at the teacher, he watched her for several moments. She was talking and writing on the chalkboard, her eyes never straying from either the board or the book in her hand.

Quickly and efficiently, Kaiba had packed away his things into his school bag. His uncaring facade, one his adoptive father had beaten into him, was the only thing that saved Kaiba that day as he stood. His teacher had immediately stopped her lecture and turned to him along with every other head in the classroom. As a glop of wet  _whatever_  ran down the inside of his leg, Kaiba nodded at the teacher who turned back to the board. It was not uncommon for him to leave class in the middle of a lecture. He was a busy person and had an entire company to run – he was a seventeen-year-old prodigy! As soon as she began talking again, Kaiba walked out the door and hurriedly called for his company car.

That day, Seto Kaiba had destroyed the serene tranquility of his personal library as he searched for any information on magical fucking seahorses. And to his utter mortification, he had found out about the accursed mating season of his kind. Promptly, he had cursed his lineage and his parents, tossing the book at the wall and with an enraged slam. For the rest of his – god _save_ him – “heat”, Kaiba holed himself up in his room, his little brother, Mokuba (god save him as well – he was a magical fucking seahorse too), acting as his stand-in for his company and bringing him his school work with a sympathetic smile.

After that day, Seto Kaiba spent the next four _seasons of hell_ holed up in his home, denying everything he felt and pretending he was not a magical fucking seahorse. Hippocampus? Hippo- _fuck that._

However, on his fifth heat, things changed. Kaiba had grown tired of the increasingly pervasive heats. The longer he abstained from fucking, the more difficult the next heat became. His fevers sizzled his skin with molten warmth, his asshole dripped with disgusting slick; his body became a sauna of hormones and his dick grew so hard, it hurt. So on the eve of the fifth year, he maturely decided to deal with the bullshit mating season, thrust upon him by his magical fucking seahorse parents (who unfortunately perished before they could inform him of the hell he would have to endure). So Kaiba said to hell with it, put on a black wig and sunglasses, and made his way to the farthest seedy bar from his home.

Upon arriving, however, Kaiba realized with a grimace that his choices were rather few. Everyone in the dive he had chosen (because somehow he had thought the place with a missing letter in the sign a good choice), looked like nothing he would ever touch with his dick. As soon as a drunk woman sauntered his way, he sneered at her and went directly to the bar. Alcohol seemed like a rather good idea for what was to come. Kaiba thought if he got smashed, the slim pickings would begin to look a lot more appealing. Or at least, that was what Kaiba hoped. He was determined to leave with someone; he refused to spend another heat alone with nothing but his hand to satiate the burn inside him.

“What are you having?” asked the barkeeper, as he leaned his hands against the bar. Kaiba did not bother to look at him, he kept his eyes roaming the establishment, hoping to see at least one decent-looking person. He did not think it was too much to ask for his partner to at least appear as though they had never been to prison. With a scoff, Kaiba waved an uncaring hand at him.

“Whiskey, top shelf, straight,” he said and took one more look around his surroundings before he added a surly, “and leave the bottle.”

“I’m gonna have to see some ID, bud,” the bar attendant answered and Kaiba felt himself stiffen with apprehension. He was wearing a goddamn wig and sunglasses, of _course_ he was going to get carded. Gritting his teeth, Kaiba pulled his wallet from his pocket and fished out his identification card. He hesitated before holding it out, refusing to look at the man. He felt the card taken from his fingertips and silence followed. As he waited, Kaiba noted a possible conquest in a booth. She was blonde, a definite plus, and voluptuous, beautiful really. But before Kaiba could think on her any further, the bartender spoke again. “This is … is this a joke?”

Frowning, Kaiba finally turned to look at him, only to still as recognition barreled his thoughts over to a rolling stop. He knew the blonde man staring at him with narrowed, brown eyes and pursed lips. That face was impossible to misplace. How could he ever forget the haughty look Katsuya Jounouchi always plied him with in high school? An expression he had been intimately acquainted with in his wettest dreams – or rather nightmares, _definitely_ nightmares. The white dress shirt and black waistcoat did _nothing_ for Seto Kaiba – he looked ridiculous, all gussied up like that with a fucking thin black tie – holy hell.

“Did Atemu put you up to this?” Jounouchi asked with an irate huff, tossing the ID card back at Kaiba who caught it deftly despite his surprise, “It’s not fucking funny anymore. High school was years ago. You tell that moron I’m gonna tell Yuugi he’s still acting like a shit – you know what?” Jounouchi shook his head and waved his arms in a negative before pulling out his phone. “I’ll tell him myself,” he said with a growl, “this is so damn immature, I swear to god. Seto Kaiba is _so_ high school – I’m fucking over it. Have been for –” Jounouchi cut himself off as he raised his phone to his ear, grumbling under his breath. “Goddamn, just can’t let it die, can he?” he mumbled, “I’m gonna kick his brown ass back to Egypt – Atemu!”

Suddenly, Jounouchi’s attention was fully on the phone and Kaiba was left floundering in confusion, but still looking marvelously bored. Because he was Seto Kaiba and he never floundered in public.

“You’re dead to me, you hear me?” Jounouchi hissed into the phone, “I’m telling Yuugi you’re an asshole – because that’s what you are – an asshole!” He paused for a few seconds, waiting before frowning. “What do you mean you don’t know what I’m talking about?” Jounouchi snapped, “I got your friend right in front of me, dillweed – Seto Kaiba – ha, ha, ha” – Jounouchi laughed sarcastically – “hilarious, Atemu. _Really,_ I’m splitting my sides here. I swear to god, you’re such a high-schooler! That crush ended years ago, man. It’s not funny anymore – how did you even get such a good fake, anyway? I almost believed it … what do you mean you have no idea what I’m talking about?” Confusion increasing, Jounouchi’s brow furrowed even more as he stared at the bar. He listened intently to whatever words the other was saying, before his caramel-brown eyes snapped up to Kaiba with bewilderment.

“But,” Jounouchi protested, pointing at Kaiba, even though the other could not see him, “there’s a dude right in front of me with a fake ID card for Seto Kaiba. You didn’t send him?” There was a pause before the color drained from Jounouchi’s face and his eyes widened, hand dropping to the edge of the wood. He stared at Kaiba, mouth parted in disbelief before he quickly hung up the phone without saying goodbye. Slowly, he reached out, fingers pinching the frames of Kaiba’s sunglasses before he pulled them off. As soon as he did, Kaiba raised a delicate eyebrow at him and any color that had remained in Jounouchi’s face, drained away. He stood, frozen before he carefully set down the glasses, stepped away, and left. He walked to the shelves and grabbed the bottle of whiskey from the top shelf. Taking a glass, he poured the liquid and set it down next to Kaiba’s sunglasses before gently placing the bottle next to it. And without another word, Jounouchi left to tend to his other customers.

Suffice to say, Kaiba was efficiently distracted from his primary goal, watching with increasing amusement as Jounouchi avoided both him and his gaze. The more Kaiba drank, the less he could stop the smirk pulling at his lips. Katsuya Jounouchi had a crush on him in high school and Kaiba was ecstatic – as ecstatic as an asshole with no heart could be about the embarrassing information he had just learned. No, of course it wasn't hope, that was a ridiculous concept.

 _He must be absolutely mortified,_  Kaiba thought with sadistic glee,  _Katsuya Jounouchi in love with me. Hilarious._

Time went on and Jounouchi continued to dance around him, pretending not to see Kaiba as he served customers right beside him. At no point did Kaiba take up his sunglasses to hide his open stare at Jounouchi. No, Kaiba felt the intrinsic need to unsettle Jounouchi as much as possible. And by the way Jounouchi kept glancing at the clock on his phone and the exit sign above the door, Kaiba knew he was getting to him. So Kaiba continued to down glass after glass of whiskey, his blue eyes zeroed in on Jounouchi, a humored smirk pulling at his lips.

He watched the way Jounouchi moved, the nervous way he served drinks. There was a twitch to his hand that made him spill more than one drink and Kaiba found it fascinating. Kaiba would bet that Jounouchi would only continue to stumble through the rest of the night, his appearance almost haggard by the end of it. But then, the most curious thing happened. Instead of becoming even more of an anxious mess, Jounouchi finally slammed down the glass he had been pretending to clean for more than half an hour and grimaced. He stood still, almost like he was waiting, until he finally looked at Kaiba and walked over. Angry disbelief was ninety percent of the mood on Jounouchi’s face, the other ten percent seemed to be confusion.

Jounouchi stopped dead in front of Kaiba across the bar, eyes narrowed to slits, jaw working furiously. It was rather exquisite if Kaiba was inclined to describe it through the haze of alcohol around his head.

“Would you  _stop,”_  Jounouchi hissed lowly,  _“staring_  at me?”

Now, if Kaiba was any sober, he would have successfully scoffed and treated Jounouchi with every bit of disdain he held inside of him. And it was a  _lot_  of disdain, Kaiba had bucket-loads of it and he felt reassured in that. He would even go as far as to say that disdain was his primary emotion. He would change his middle name to it if he didn't like “Fucking” so much. However, Kaiba was plastered and the sound that came out of him was not a scoff, but a snort. And the words that left his mouth were not disdain, but childish glee.

“I’m not staring at you,” Kaiba said innocently with a joyful, drunk smirk. He served himself another glass, sipping it as he watched Jounouchi gape at him.

“Uh, _yes_ you fucking _are,”_ Jounouchi retorted, “you’re doing it right now. Stop it, you’re pissing me off.”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” Kaiba said behind his glass, raising an eyebrow at him, “you’re the one staring at  _me.”_  Kaiba downed his whiskey and expertly served himself another. Looking down at the small puddle around his glass, Kaiba decided that he had meant to spill that exact amount. On purpose. “And no,” Kaiba said, “I will not stop it.”

Visibly incensed, Jounouchi’s jaw clenched and he grit his teeth in annoyance. He glared at Kaiba, seething until his face cleared and he frowned.

“You’re fucking wasted,” Jounouchi said, incredulous, “are you kidding me?” Taking the bottle from Kaiba’s grip – he meant to give it back anyway – Jounouchi frowned at him. “I’m cutting you off,” he said, “call a cab and go home.”

 _“You_  go home,” was Kaiba’s rather brilliant reply, before he smirked again and added, “with me.”

He was quite pleased to see the embarrassed flush on Jounouchi’s cheeks as Jounouchi glared at him, lips pursed.

“Get out,” Jounouchi bit out.

With a smug grin, Kaiba pulled his wallet from his pocket and opened it. He pulled out three bills and placed them on top of Jounouchi’s resting hand before he stood from his stool and sauntered out the door with the swagger of ten drunk men.

All in all, Seto Kaiba felt pretty damn good about himself.

* * *

Hours later, Kaiba leaned against the wall, coming down slightly from his drunk high. He was still slightly smashed, as was apparent by the way his legs seemed to act like jelly, but the happy cloud around him had dissipated, and the only thing left was the bitter reality of his lost wallet and his perfect incognizance on how to get home. He had driven there, right? But as he searched his pockets for his keys, Kaiba could not find the key ring and much less his car. The fucking thing had moved, he was sure of it. Grumbling to himself, Kaiba sighed silently as he swayed away from the wall and righted himself. If he could only remember which way home was, Kaiba would already be stumbling through the door.

However, Kaiba had not the foggiest idea of where home lay. On his drive there, he had followed the navigation system, far too busy thinking of the way his evening would end. Looking down at his watch, he tried to focus on the hour, but his vision continually blurred against his will. Annoyed, Kaiba swore to never drink again. His mental capacities were severely compromised and he did not enjoy the feeling. Pulling out his phone, he tried to find the app that could direct him to his house. But as he searched, Kaiba became increasingly frustrated as he simply could not find it. He was about to toss the phone into the street when Kaiba realized he could call for his company car. Instantly, his mood perked up and Kaiba scrolled through his contact list. He was about to hit the dial button, when the door to the bar opened. Glancing around, his eyes snapped open in interest as a familiar blonde walked out the door.

Katsuya Jounouchi was locking up, completely unaware that he was being watched by Domino’s most eligible bachelor, the anti-social millionaire and asshole extraordinaire, Seto Fucking Kaiba. Without thinking, Kaiba ran a hand through his hair, dropping the itchy wig from his head, and pushed away from the building wall. Gathering every ounce of sobriety still within him, he made his way over to Jounouchi, legs sturdy and gait normal. As soon as he drew level with him, Kaiba spoke.

“Take me home,” he said and Jounouchi shouted in panic, gripping at his chest and glaring daggers at Kaiba upon seeing him.

“What the bloody fuck, Kaiba!” Jounouchi snapped. He frowned severely in the incandescent light of the light post ten yards away. “What?” he said.

“Take me home,” Kaiba repeated.

“No!” Jounouchi protested, a furious blush consuming his cheeks, “Alright, I  _may_  have had a crush on you, like  _years_  ago, but that’s so over, Kaiba. You can try and make fun of me all you want, but I’ve moved on, so I don’t care anymore.”

Placing a hand on Jounouchi’s chest, Kaiba abruptly shoved him back against the bar door and invaded his space with the familiarity of a cat – that is, like he owned it, because Seto Kaiba owned everything. Jounouchi’s expression fell into surprise before Kaiba pressed their bodies flush together, eliciting a small yelp from Jounouchi’s mouth as he brushed his lips teasingly close to Jounouchi’s own. Heart skipping a beat, Kaiba’s blood began to race and his body broke out in goosebumps. Telltale signs that his heat was coming. With bated breath, he held still as Jounouchi stared at him, wide-eyed and breathless. Indeed, Katsuya Jounouchi had matured slightly if his simple act had taken his very breath away instead of incurring a punch.

“Is that so?” Kaiba whispered against him before he slotted their lips together in a languid open-mouthed kiss. Almost immediately, Jounouchi came to life with a sharp intake of breath and his hands were squeezing Kaiba’s shoulders with hesitation. For a second, Kaiba believed Jounouchi would push him away, so he pressed harder against him, wrapping his arms around Jounouchi’s waist tightly. It was then that Jounouchi’s body molded to his own with wanton abandon, the hands on his shoulders pulling him closer. Briefly, Kaiba was disappointed by how easy it was to sway Jounouchi his way, but the bothersome symptoms of his heat were quickly accumulating into a frenzy. His need for Jounouchi’s naked body trumped all his discomforts and Kaiba would be damned if he was going to spend another season alone.

* * *

It did not take long to get to Jounouchi’s apartment. After a small debate between bites and kisses, they had decided on Jounouchi’s because it was closer and Kaiba refused to have sex in the same house as his little brother. So together they made it to Jounouchi’s surprisingly clean apartment. Kaiba took a moment to be pleasantly distracted by that before Jounouchi was at his neck, biting him in the most delicious way possible. All teeth and scrape that made Kaiba’s eyes shut with delight.

From there, it quickly elevated to Jounouchi’s bedroom, their clothes torn from their bodies and Jounouchi trapped beneath Kaiba’s urgent tongue. He lavished Jounouchi with nips to his chest and licks to his belly button, leaving a trail of bites down to his hip before Kaiba took Jounouchi’s cock straight into his mouth. Without preamble, he swallowed down the length, earning himself a choked groan from Jounouchi and an appreciative tug to his hair. Kaiba sucked at Jounouchi’s dick, marveling at its bitter taste and wondering why he had ever thought sex was a useless thing.

“Kaiba,” Jounouchi hissed in pleasure.

Kaiba had never felt more aroused in that moment when Jounouchi muttered his name between clenched teeth, fingers entwining into his hair roughly and hips thrusting into his mouth. That he, Seto Kaiba, was the cause of such a noise, did not surprise him – he was Seto Fucking Kaiba after all, but the boost to his already engorged ego was more than welcome. Reaching down, Kaiba stroked his ego even more, literally; hand on his cock, he squeezed the shaft and worked his wrist. As Jounouchi mewled beneath his magical tongue, Kaiba fucked into his fist, anxious to get to the good part.

He was impatient as he let go of his cock and lowered his hand to Jounouchi’s ass, fingertips trailing over that tight hole. Immediately, Jounouchi sat up, pulling Kaiba off of him and shaking his head as he leaned in close.

“Oh, no, rich boy,” Jounouchi whispered against his lips, “I get to top first.”

“Yeah, right, mutt,” Kaiba returned and Jounouchi pulled away before Kaiba could kiss him. “What?” he asked impatiently.

“Call me that again,” Jounouchi said with narrowed eyes, “and you can walk home with that hard-on.” He looked at Kaiba directly in the eyes, brown eyes smoldering and fierce. And for the first time in his life, Kaiba relented.

“Jounouchi,” Kaiba said and Jounouchi grinned before kissing him, a thorough stupidity-inducing kiss that left Kaiba breathless and aching for more.

“That’s better,” Jounouchi said as he pulled away, but before he could so much as grin about his small victory, Kaiba shoved him back down and climbed over him, straddling his hips. The disgruntled noise Jounouchi emitted was enough to buy back the brief loss of arousal over Kaiba’s name-calling defeat. He smirked with superiority and Jounouchi glared up at him, but before he could begin to complain, Kaiba spoke.

“Where're the condoms, Jounouchi?” he asked seriously, “there’s no way I’m letting you fuck me unless you’re wearing protection.”

“Pants,” Jounouchi quickly said, “wallet.”

Climbing off of him, Kaiba retrieved said wallet and took out the crinkled foil condom. Moving to the bed, he tossed it at Jounouchi who immediately sat up, ripped it open and rolled it on. Kaiba resumed his position over Jounouchi, who was trying to reach the bottle of lotion on his bedside table. It was only slightly out of his radius, but as he made a grab for it, Kaiba reached behind him and took hold of Jounouchi’s penis. Lifting himself, he placed the head of that leaking cock at his asshole and Jounouchi froze.

“Whoa,” Jounouchi said, “wait, we haven’t even – oh, dear sweet Jesus Christ.” Jounouchi’s head fell back and his hands moved to grasp at Kaiba’s hips as he lowered himself onto Jounouchi’s thick dick. The feeling was odd to Kaiba, unfamiliar and intrusive, but the exciting tingles that shot up his spine were enough to ignore the full feeling. “Holy shit,” Jounouchi was gasping, raising his head back to look down at their joined bodies, “did you come prepared – are you hurt? Are you bleeding –  _fuck,_  Kaiba.”

“Jounouchi,” Kaiba said as his body heated and his veins hummed with rushing blood. He took steady breaths, trying to remain in control.

“What?” Jounouchi moaned through a clenched jaw.

“Shut up,” Kaiba said and he moved forward, bracing himself on Jounouchi’s shoulders as he slowly raised himself on his cock. Sliding back down, he bit back a moan. The feeling of that large penis inside of him, hot, hard, and throbbing, was extraordinary. He began to rock, keeping his breathing level as he gained rhythm. Before him, Jounouchi was encouraging him along, hands gripping him tightly. It made Kaiba burn and he yanked Jounouchi’s head forward by his disorderly blonde locks. Pressing their lips together, Kaiba kissed him briefly, their lips stuttering with their motions. Before long, he gave up and focused on getting them off.

“Fuck,” Jounouchi muttered, eyes squeezed shut, lips parted and panting.

“Fuck,” Kaiba agreed, closing his own eyes as he finally let himself succumb to the raging heat coursing through his body. He cursed, shifting his hips and groaning at the incredible feeling of Jounouchi’s cock rubbing against his prostate. He hissed, pulling Jounouchi closer as he gained purchase to move even faster. Jounouchi was muttering in his ear, nonsensical words of encouragement and hisses of reverie.

Kaiba’s ecstasy mounted and he reached between their writhing bodies, gripping his penis and jerking it, willing himself to orgasm. He was so close and he only needed a little more, just one more thing to finally make him come –

“God, Kaiba,” Jounouchi moaned and Kaiba faltered as his orgasm tore through him, shredding him with pleasure and tossing his every ounce of control out the window. He shouted Jounouchi’s name and his seed spurted forward, painting them both. “Kaiba,” Jounouchi choked on his name and Kaiba vaguely heard him whisper something else, but his mind was gone and he had no interest in knowing whatever Jounouchi had to say. He felt Jounouchi’s hands at his broad shoulders and their bodies shifted until Kaiba felt the sheets under his back. Opening his eyes, he watched as Jounouchi carefully pulled out of him, brown eyes watching him in turn as he disposed of the condom into the wastebasket beside the bed. Kaiba closed his eyes, his body sated and exhausted. He breathed deeply, intending on resting just a moment before he called for his company car, but before he knew it, he had slipped into sleep.

* * *

The next afternoon, Kaiba awoke to the smell of coffee and the ache of a debilitating hangover. Groaning, he opened his eyes and looked around. He was not in his room or any room that he recognized. Slowly, he sat up, blue sheets falling from his torso, and sighed at the sore feeling in his ass. Kaiba was glad his quest had been completed, but he was more than annoyed that he had  _bottomed_  to some bar-dwelling lowlife.

 _I really hope they used a fucking condom,_  Kaiba thought with a disgusted grimace. Pushing the sheets off of him, Kaiba looked around as he stood, squinting at the light that sailed in through the blinds on the window. His head throbbed and Kaiba noted an open door. Upon closer inspection, he saw it was a bathroom. Looking around, he gathered his clothes and retreated into the room to clean up. To his great surprise, Kaiba found that he was clean of any undesirable fluids, as though his partner had been considerate enough to clean him up afterward or Kaiba himself had done it.

Shrugging it off, Kaiba relieved himself and washed his hands before dressing. Upon spotting the mouthwash, he took some of that as well, trying to clean his mouth of whatever sick impurities were in it. Kaiba realized then that he no longer thought his quest had been a good idea. He had no clue who he had slept with or even what they had done. Getting smashed had not been the bright thing to do – shocking really, since he was Seto Kaiba and he did not do stupid things. Groaning, Kaiba sighed before he left the bathroom, checking his pockets for his things. The only thing on him was his phone and it was on very low battery.

 _Fuck,_  Kaiba thought,  _was I mugged?_  He cursed as he searched the bedroom floor with his eyes, but saw nothing. Kneeling, he even checked under the bed, but there was nothing there, not even miserable dust bunnies. Standing, Kaiba cursed his luck and made his way out the door. He would schedule an appointment with his doctor immediately. Who knew what diseases he had caught? But as soon as he stepped out of the bedroom, Kaiba came face to face – or rather, face to big, red hair – with a short, brown-skinned man with violet-red eyes and raised eyebrows. Recognition instantly sparked in Kaiba’s memory and he faltered.

“Atemu Muuran?” Kaiba spat, completely disgusted.  _I fucked Atemu Muuran?_ he thought indignantly,  _The fucking moron from high school with the pathetic obsessive crush on Yuugi Mutou?_  Reeling backwards, Kaiba turned around and ran back into the bathroom, slamming the door shut as he lifted the toilet seat and threw up.  _Fuck, I regret everything._

As soon as Kaiba finished throwing up, he flushed the toilet and contemplated drowning himself in the water. If anyone found out that the great Seto Kaiba had slept with _Atemu fucking Muuran,_ Kaiba would have no choice but to kill himself. Even _his_ great image could not continue to stand after a blow like that. Standing, Kaiba rinsed his mouth for the second time that morning and spied the window. He could shimmy out and make a run for it, but he would be damned if he let Atemu run around talking about him. Kaiba would have to find a way to silence Atemu Muuran … permanently.

Leaving the bathroom, Kaiba expected to find Atemu in the bedroom, but the short man was nowhere to be seen. Leaving the bedroom, he ventured into the hall, eyes searching for the man. When he heard voices, he followed them.

“I didn’t do anything,” said one man, “all I did was look at him.”

“Right,” drawled another, “because you’re such a paragon of virtue.”

“That’s a big word, Jounouchi,” said the first, “you sure you know what it means?”

“Guys, chill,” said a third, “no reason to get riled up – Atemu please behave?”

“I will if he does,” Atemu muttered under his breath just as Kaiba arrived at the doorway to the kitchen. Atemu was standing against the counter, arms crossed with a petulant look on his face. Beside him was an exasperated Yuugi Mutou. Kaiba clearly recognized his blonde bangs and violet hair and his incredibly short stature. How could he ever forget his nemesis?

“This is  _my_  house,” said the annoyed blonde sitting at the table, “you can go right ahead and jump out the window. There’s two stories to think about your shitty life decisions before you hit the pavement.”

“Can we cut the animosity?” Yuugi said uncomfortably, “I really wanted to have lunch together.”

“Jounouchi?”

Immediately, all eyes were on him, especially Katsuya Jounouchi’s and Kaiba found that slightly thrilling, much to his confusion. Jounouchi stood from the table scratching at his head and looking slightly uncomfortable with the presence of his friends.

“Kaiba,” Jounouchi said quickly with a nervous glance to his friends, “I just finished telling them that you needed a place to crash for the night…”

But Kaiba was no longer listening. Because the person he had fucked was  _not_ Atemu Muuran, but Katsuya Jounouchi and the memories were flooding back at once. He stared at Jounouchi thoughtfully and thought he could have done much worse, considering how drunk he had been the night before. Nodding to himself, Kaiba knew it was time to go. Mating season was upon him and he was completely under his own control. His drunk rendezvous had not been for nothing and he would not be dealing with bullshit this year. Patting at his pockets, Kaiba recalled his missing things and noticed Jounouchi was still talking.

“Don’t be an idiot,” Kaiba said with a put-upon sigh, abruptly cutting him off. He had gotten what he had come for and had no desire to remain. “I seem to have misplaced everything but my phone.” Jounouchi frowned, confusion in his eyes. He eyed Kaiba for a couple of moments before he finally nodded and his face cleared. He shrugged nonchalantly and motioned to the table where a wallet, a pair of sunglasses, and a set of keys sat.

“Last night,” Jounouchi said, “when you took out your wallet, your keys fell out, and after you paid me three-hundred dollars, you tossed your wallet behind you before you left.” An amused smile pulled at Jounouchi’s lips and he shrugged. Taking the objects from the table, he walked over. “Don’t worry, I returned the money,” he said, “I only kept one hundred for the bottle.” He took Kaiba’s hand and dropped the wallet, the sunglasses, and the keys into his palm.

“Sure,” Kaiba said dismissively and he left the kitchen, determined to get as far away from Katsuya Jounouchi as he could. Only, little did Kaiba know that he would go much farther than he expected. So far, that he would be singing with Sebastian the Crab about the joys of the ocean. Down where it was wetter and better, under the sea.

* * *

_Fuck magical seahorses,_  Kaiba thought bitterly as he swam through a curtain of seaweed,  _fuck them and whatever deity spawned them. Half fish, half horse? Kill me now._

Seto Kaiba was in his hippocampus form of a horse’s torso with a long blue fish tail fanning out behind him. Where a horse would have hair, he had scales and instead of a mane, he had long, trailing fins. Though he had hooves, which made no fucking sense underwater, he also had fins on his front legs to guide him through the blue. It had taken a while to get used to his form, but after six months of living in the waters of his private beach, Kaiba was an expert. However, he did get tired, what with the large protruding stomach of horrors and nightmares coming out of his midsection. Because, of course this was Seto Kaiba’s life, the short end of the stick, specifically the one given to him by Katsuya Jounouchi – Kaiba cursed his name.

Seating himself in his underwater cave, Kaiba laid down in a bed of sand, because regardless of how rich he was, he was not going to build a home underwater and thereby announce to the world that he was a pregnant fucking seahorse living in the ocean. According to the reading Mokuba had been doing in his stead, he would – god _help_  him – give birth soon, and he would have to spend a further six months underwater, teaching whatever he spawned how to swim and change form (which they would only be able to achieve when they reached their sixth month).

So when Kaiba thought  _fuck magical seahorses,_  he meant it with the burning fiery passion of a billion stars.

* * *

For all that he was, Seto Kaiba was an achiever. He figured problems out and applied solutions perfectly. He was a genius with a multimillion-dollar company that he had ripped out like a rug from underneath the feet of his adoptive father, sending him spiraling into depression and out a fucking window (which was no less than he deserved in Kaiba's opinion). He had an empire in the business world and he practically owned Domino City. An entire city! No one could ever hope to become Seto Kaiba because he  _was_ Seto Kaiba and he was the only one, the very best there ever was or would be. Compared to running a company and looking after thousands of employees, raising triplets should have been a walk in the park. Only Kaiba had come to learn one very important thing: children were not employees, he could not fire them, and he most definitely could not  _buy_  them.

Rosy-cheeked with plush little lips, his three children were the visual epitome of sweetness and innocence. The first had inherited Kaiba’s blue eyes and thin face, but his sleek hair was not brown like his, but blonde like Jounouchi’s. Kaiba had named him Critias. The second had inherited Jounouchi’s strong chin and unruly hair, but his eyes were yellow and his hair brown like Kaiba’s. Kaiba had named him Hermos. And the third … despite witnessing the birth as the child had come out of  _him,_  Kaiba still doubted the boy belonged to him. The boy had his blue eyes, but his wild aqua-green hair? Unless Jounouchi had some interesting relatives, Kaiba did not see the family resemblance. He had no clue who the hell the boy resembled with his bushy hair and heart-shaped face, though his appearance looked eerily familiar and that unsettled him. But, regardless, Kaiba named him Timaeus.

Nonetheless, the three were his, and as soon as they were old enough, Kaiba left the water with them and went home. He forged papers, bribed people, and officially “adopted” the three toddlers (because of  _course_  they were toddlers; babies would have only been too easy for Seto Kaiba). The mother was non-existent and he was the only parent they had. Katsuya Jounouchi? Well, Kaiba thought Jounouchi could jump off a bridge into a lake of fire. His children did not need Jounouchi, not even a little bit, not even at all. And that was the thought Kaiba clung to until his world fell apart.

It started with Timaeus.

The boy was a wolf in lamb’s clothing. Kaiba would set them all down for their nap and retreat to his study to work. However, five minutes later, a scream would be heard throughout the mansion and Kaiba’s heart would skip several beats. Thoughts in a whirlwind, Kaiba would run to his children, stopping just short of their room to find a maid locked in a closet and little baby Timaeus sitting innocently outside it with his precious smile and twinkling eyes.

The first time, Kaiba had fired the servant, the second time, Kaiba had, again, fired the servant. But the third time it happened and Kaiba arrived to a scene with Timaeus _and_ Hermos playing with their blocks while the screaming maid hung off the balcony by the sheets of their beds, he grew suspicious. And it was not until he found Mokuba tied up in the attic, with Critias cutting his hair, that Seto Kaiba realized he had spawned Satan’s children.

His triplets were monsters with cute faces and button noses.

As time went on, the situation grew worse and his children more creative. On one particular day, Kaiba ran through the halls of his mansion, searching for his children for hours until he found them hiding in the gardening shed, giggling as they painted his unconscious butler blue with their tiny little fingers.

Horrified, Seto Kaiba was not proud to admit that he turned around and shut the door. Not that anyone saw him do it. If they had, well Kaiba could simply set his children loose on them. The little devils would surely take care of his problem. Yet, Kaiba was at the end of his rope. The children were sticky at all times, no matter how many baths they took. There was always a wayward lollipop stuck to a pair of overalls even though Kaiba had prohibited all sweets in his household (he was inclined to blame Mokuba who had taken to bribing his children in an effort to be spared of their hellish whims). The knees of every pair of jeans the kids owned were stained by grass and red flecks of what Kaiba _hoped_ was paint, even though he had never actually seen them fall or crawl around outside.

And while all of that he could handle, he could not take turning around for one second, only to turn back and find one of the three missing while the other two grinned innocently and a scream ripped through the halls of his home. He needed help with his three demons if they were to have any chance of growing up normally. He needed child psychologists, the police, straight jackets, anyone or anything would do, really. But most of all, he needed to find out just what the hell kind of human being Jounouchi was. What monster had Kaiba slept with?

* * *

“We’re going on a trip today,” Kaiba told his evil little children and they cheered, throwing their tiny fists into the air. He sighed before saying, “To visit someone.” Immediately, the children went oddly silent, staring at Kaiba with keen interest in their beady little eyes. Hesitating, he looked at each of them in turn before gulping dryly, a feeling of dread sinking in his stomach. The silence was definitely not normal. “There will be no tying him up,” Kaiba said firmly and he fought a wary shudder when his kids grimaced, “there will be no cutting of any of his clothes, hair,  _or_  limbs.” And when his children pouted, Kaiba hoped there was a god, because he started to pray. “Do we understand each other?”

“Yes, daddy,” chirped Timaeus, squeezing the stuffed white dragon in his arms as he rocked himself on the balls of his feet.

“Mm-hmm,” hummed Hermos, hands behind his back as he twisted himself from side to side.

“Of course,” said Critias with a cute little smile, patting the sides of his legs with excited anxiousness, one hand tightly gripping his own white dragon. Kaiba stared down at his children, watching them wriggle and writhe. They would just not stop  _moving._  Why did children always have to be moving?

“Alright,” he finally said, “let’s get in the car.”

The ride to Jounouchi’s house was eerily quiet. The three toddlers in the backseat were still, like stone cherubs with their hands in their laps and tiny sweet smiles on their chubby faces. If Kaiba felt the urge to flee, he did not show it. He only continued to drive, his eyes on the prize. And before long, they were parking in the lot and stepping out of the car.

In the elevator, Kaiba sighed when Hermos pressed all of the buttons his short arms could reach, extremely glad they were only going to the second floor. If he enjoyed the disappointed groans his little terrors let out when they exited, no one besides himself needed to know. But when Kaiba reached the front door to Jounouchi’s apartment, he did not knock. Instead, he stood there, weighing the consequences of his decision to let Jounouchi know of his children … his _magical seahorse_ children.

“You no knock?” said Critias with adorable confusion.

“Daddy, are you scared?” voiced Timaeus.

“I can knock for you, daddy,” said Hermos with a sweet smile that promised a quick death.

Looking down at his three little monsters, Kaiba measured their curious eyes, their fidgeting hands, and their shuffling feet. While he largely suspected that hell itself spat out these little demons, unable to contain their unified evil, they were still  _his_  little demons and Kaiba could not help but love them, baby-faced evil and all. But then Hermos pulled a lock of familiar-looking black hair from his pocket, looking at it with disinterest before dropping it to the floor, and Kaiba shook his head. Facing the door, his resolve strengthened.  _He did this to me,_ Kaiba thought darkly,  _it’s only fair that he share in my pain._

So without further dawdling, Kaiba knocked on Jounouchi’s unsuspecting door, waiting almost impatiently until it opened.

“Kaiba?” said Jounouchi, eyes wide and surprised, “What the hell are you doing here – oh, you brought your kids.”

Stumped and uncertain, Jounouchi looked down at the three boys, brow scrunched and trying to appear pleasant.

“Hi,” Jounouchi said to the three with a lame wave before looking back to Kaiba who straightened his posture and grimaced.

“Are you going to make me stand here all day?” Kaiba said in his usual bored tone and Jounouchi frowned at him, opening his mouth to snap at him when he froze and looked down at the children, shutting his mouth abruptly. Rolling his eyes, Jounouchi stepped aside.

“Come in,” Jounouchi said and Kaiba nudged his children forward, letting them rush in before he followed behind them. Kaiba watched them run into the living room and turned back around to face Jounouchi, watching as he shut the door. As soon as he did, Kaiba spoke.

“What kind of demon baby genes do you have?” he hissed quietly and Jounouchi suddenly turned, looking bewildered and affronted.

“What’s wrong with my jeans? They’re my size!” Jounouchi protested, looking even more baffled than before.

“You absolute moron,” Kaiba hissed,  _“_ _g_ _enes,_  the things you pass on to your children! What kind of plague do you have in you?”

“Hey,” Jounouchi said, deeply offended, “I’ll have you know my baby genes are perfect and I’m a prime specimen of man. The hell, man?” He glanced around Kaiba, making sure the kids were not present before he continued. “You don’t just come barging into a guy’s house and start insulting his genes. What the f – what kind of person _does_  that? I haven’t seen you in more than a year since – since that night” – and a saddened look crossed Jounouchi’s gaze before he shrugged it off, his frown returning – “and suddenly you show up at my goddamn apartment, insulting my genes?”

“They’re your kids,” Kaiba said lowly and Jounouchi stared at him with utter disbelief and slight worry.

“Are you okay, Kaiba?” Jounouchi said, “I could swear you just said they were mine.” He jabbed a pinkie into his ear, cleaning it out before raising an eyebrow at him. “Say again?”

“They’re  _your_  kids,” Kaiba repeated, only just stopping himself from rolling his eyes, “and they’re driving me insane.”

“You’re right about that last part,” Jounouchi said with a worried frown, “dude, I don’t have kids.” He flushed a deep pink before sighing and grudgingly saying, “I was a virgin when we slept together, so if any girl came around and told you they’re mine, you can bet they’re really not.”

Closing his eyes, Kaiba counted to ten like Mokuba taught him, so he would not punch Jounouchi in his face. He reminded himself that his magical problem was secret and that Jounouchi did not know any better and it was not his fault he was an insufferable moron.

“Jounouchi,” said Kaiba, opening his eyes and speaking calmly, “they are biologically my children.” He watched Jounouchi, sighing tiredly when he frowned, nose scrunching adorably as his brain worked tirelessly to connect the dots.

“But,” Jounouchi faltered, looking supremely confused and even slightly alarmed, “you’re a guy? And I’m a guy? We can’t have kids with each other, Kaiba.” He paused for a moment, a panicked gleam in his eye. “Kaiba, have you finally gone insane?”

“I’m a hippocampus,” Kaiba revealed with the most serious expression he could muster.

“So that’s a  _yes,”_  Jounouchi said.

“Jounouchi,” Kaiba said, “listen to me.”

“No,” Jounouchi quickly, nodding, “I hear ya.” He looked around nervously, crossing his arms protectively against his chest. “You’re a hippopotamus.”

“Hippo _campus,”_  Kaiba snapped, “I’m half horse and half fish. It’s hereditary.”

“So,” Jounouchi said and Kaiba could almost see the cogs turning in his head, “you’re a seahorse?”

“Yes,” Kaiba said through gritted teeth, “I’m a magical seahorse.”

“And you’re being completely serious?” Jounouchi said, “You actually _believe_ this?”

Withholding a heavy sigh, Kaiba turned around and called out.

“Critias!”

Immediately, his blonde child darted out of the living room and to his side, smiling up at him.

“Yes, daddy?” he said and his sweet smile told Kaiba without a doubt that his kid had been listening in. Frowning slightly, he motioned to Critias and Critias moved over to him, standing still as Kaiba lifted him from his waist. Turning around, Kaiba faced Jounouchi.

“Transform,” he said and Critias wiggled slightly before his clothes fell from his body and in his place, a blue and yellow-scaled hippocampus fawn appeared, wiggling his front legs. “Turn back,” Kaiba said and his child wriggled once more before becoming a naked giggling toddler. Looking to Jounouchi’s shocked face, Kaiba grimaced. “Congratulations,” he said dryly, “it’s a magical seahorse.”

Setting down his child, Kaiba dressed him, ignoring Jounouchi as he began to babble incoherently. As soon as he was done, Kaiba patted his child’s bottom to get his attention and tilted his head to the living room. With a shriek of laughter, Critias ran off and a small smile pulled at Kaiba’s lips as he watched him toddle away. Pod babies or not, Kaiba loved his children.

“Okay,” Jounouchi finally said, huffing disbelievingly as he waved his arms around, “let’s say I believe you and you’re a magical seahorse” – Kaiba stood and raised an eyebrow at him and Jounouchi plowed on – “you’re still a guy!” He rubbed at his face, the terror on it immovable. “You can’t – oh, my god, please tell me you  _can’t.”_  He stared at Kaiba with wide brown eyes before his gaze shot down to his midsection in apprehension.

“I can,” Kaiba said flatly. He grabbed Jounouchi’s arm and pulled, grateful when Jounouchi went willingly. Pulling him to the doorway of the living room, he stopped and made Jounouchi face the scene before them. His children were calmly sitting on the couch in front of the television, watching with fascination, but the screen only showed snow and the sound was muted. “You did this to me,” he said darkly, “these demon children are yours.”

“Why are they watching static?” Jounouchi whispered.

“I don’t know,” Kaiba admitted seriously.

“Fuck,” Jounouchi breathed, “I didn’t think it would matter.”

“What would matter?” Kaiba said with a frown, “Your demon genes? Obviously, they did.”

Turning, Jounouchi glared at Kaiba, lips pursed and brow furrowed.

“I don’t have demon genes,” Jounouchi hissed, “haven’t you considered that maybe they got their creepiness from you?”

“Of course they didn’t,” Kaiba scoffed, “my genes are perfect.”

Jounouchi rolled his eyes.

“Typical,” he said, “but what I meant was that I didn’t think the condom mattered. That night – it broke.” A baffled expression crossed his features and Jounouchi laughed. “Oh, my god, I’m a father.”

“It,” Kaiba said quietly, “broke?” Grabbing Jounouchi’s arm, Kaiba dragged him back into the hall and shoved him against the wall, glaring at him. “It fucking _broke?”_  he hissed, “And you didn’t think to  _tell me?”_

“I didn’t know you’d get fucking pregnant,” Jounouchi sputtered back quietly, “that shit doesn’t happen to me! The condom was old – I’d had it in my wallet since high school!”

“You fucking moron,” Kaiba hissed, “you –” He cut off, seething with fury as he stared down at Jounouchi with narrowed blue eyes, a tight grip on his collar. Jounouchi stared back at him, brown eyes widening.

“I know you’re pissed,” he said, “but why do you look like you’re gonna kiss –”

Kaiba kissed him, angrily so. He shoved his mouth onto Jounouchi’s, bruising himself in the process and kissed him, melding their lips together as he moved against him, demanding reciprocation. And after several seconds, Jounouchi supplied by grabbing his jaw and pulling him down. He kissed back just as ferociously, hungry for more. It was like nothing mattered anymore and Kaiba was absolutely finished with his anger, his indignity, and Jounouchi as well. Neither knew who parted their lips first, but it did not matter because Jounouchi’s tongue in his mouth was exactly what Kaiba needed and he relished the feel of that wet muscle against his own. They kissed for seconds, for minutes, for longer and it did not matter because Kaiba’s anger was gone and all that remained was the grudging, exasperated affection he had always held for Katsuya Jounouchi.

Yes, Jounouchi was a moron, but Jounouchi was  _his_  moron and despite their creepiness, Jounouchi had given him three beautiful children.

“Okay,” Jounouchi breathed as they pulled apart, “I admit it, my stupid high school crush never went away.” He grimaced and shoved lightly at Kaiba’s chest. “Also, you’re an asshole and I have no idea what it is I see in you, but I have ground rules if we’re really going to try this.”

“Ground rules?” Kaiba questioned curiously and Jounouchi nodded.

“Yep,” Jounouchi said, popping the “P”. He then lifted one finger at Kaiba and said, “One, you don’t insult me. Call me moron again and it’s off.” He raised a second finger. “Two, get rid of that ridiculous white coat you wear,” he said with a wave at his wear, “it’s tacky and there’s no reason it should have that many belts … you can keep the pants, though, because they really look good on you.”

Rolling his eyes, Kaiba sighed and nodded. Jounouchi's demands were easy enough to adhere to and it was not like he did not have more objectionable coats in his closet. Getting rid of _one_ would not hurt him.

“Fine,” he said, “easy. Anything else?”

“Yeah,” Jounouchi said and he looked pensive, “why do you suddenly like me?”

“We’re nearing the end of the story,” Kaiba said with a shrug, “this is the part where I realize I’ve had feelings for you all along.”

“Makes sense,” Jounouchi replied before clearing his throat. “So,” he said, letting his eyes roam over Kaiba's face with a hint of satisfaction, _“Seto_  … can I meet my kids now or did you want to shove your tongue down my throat some more?”

With a smirk, Kaiba stepped away and motioned to the living room.

“After you,” he said, “…Katsuya.” And Jounouchi winced. He turned his head to Kaiba as he stepped forward.

“Nope,” Jounouchi said, shaking his head, “too weird, too soon. Can’t do the first name.” With that, he made his way over to the living room and Kaiba followed.

“You’re right,” Kaiba said in agreement, “too weird.”

They walked over to the kids and all three looked up, eyes glued to Jounouchi with massive curiosity. Kaiba could already see their malicious little brains thinking of the perfect game to play with him. Bracing himself, he cleared his throat to gain their attention and spoke once they turned to him.

“Kids,” he said, “this is your other father.”

Immediately, their eyes returned to Jounouchi, wide and surprised, even a little disappointed. Though Kaiba was sure the disappointment stemmed from the fact that they would not be able to torture Jounouchi, rather than dissatisfaction with their new father. Looking to Jounouchi, he pointed to each of the kids in turn.

“Jounouchi,” he said, “meet Critias, Hermos, and Timaeus.”

Abruptly, Jounouchi stared at Kaiba, a wry smile on his face.

“Of course you would name them like that,” he said before crouching and looking at the three toddlers with a kind smile. “Hey, guys, I’m your dad. You can call me dad, pop, papa,” he shrugged, “I’m not picky.” But before he could say anything else, he had three toddlers throw themselves at him, hugging him with sweet squeals.

“Papa,” said Critias excitedly, “can we keep you?”

“Please live with us?” said Hermos begged.

“Can I cut your hair?” Timaeus loudly whispered in his ear and Jounouchi looked at him with dismay before glancing to Kaiba who grinned smugly at him. Now Jounouchi would know the true depth of the depravity he had unleashed upon the world.

“Welcome to hell,” Kaiba said.

* * *

A year later, Kaiba proposed and Jounouchi gladly accepted. They married in the summer and, though it was a small ceremony, Jounouchi invited all of his friends and his sister. Kaiba invited Mokuba, his only friend. They danced, they stopped the kids from setting fire to the guests, they drank, danced, and drank some more when Timaeus managed to make Atemu sit on champagne flutes. The party ended then as the ambulance whisked Atemu away to the hospital with Yuugi at his side, but not before wishing Jounouchi luck with his three heathens and begging him never to ask them to babysit.

Months later, they were still married and happy … most of the time.

“Seto,” Jounouchi groaned, turning over on the bed to nuzzle his face between Kaiba’s broad shoulders. The clock beside the bed read 3 a.m. and the gap between the curtains on the balcony doors showed a starry sky beyond it.

“Still weird,” Kaiba muttered sleepily and Jounouchi snorted before smacking his shoulder playfully.

“Oh, shut up, dude,” Jounouchi said with a lazy laugh before sighing, “I heard a scream. They’re _awake.”_

“Mokuba probably forgot to lock his door again,” Kaiba mumbled, not bothering to open his eyes, “he’ll be fine. They haven’t committed murder yet.”

“Seto,” Jounouchi protested.

“Katsuya,” Kaiba retorted.

“He’s your brother,” Jounouchi pressed, _“save_ him.”

“He’s been through worse,” Kaiba objected, “kidnapped a thousand times.”

“His kidnappers aren’t usually creatures from Lovecraft books,” Jounouchi mumbled.

“It’s their way of showing affection,” Kaiba chuckled with dark amusement and Jounouchi huffed before smacking his arm again. Amply awake, Kaiba finally opened his eyes and rolled onto his back with a light sigh. “He’s eighteen,” he groaned, “he can handle three toddlers. Anyway, this is like the fiftieth time. He’s just asking for it by now.”

“He didn’t ask for this,” Jounouchi insisted and Kaiba turned his head to look at him with annoyance.

“I got an idea,” he said as another scream ripped through the mansion, “how about I fuck you until you shut up?”

“That’s a great idea,” Jounouchi said with a sultry grin, “let’s do it  _after_  you save your brother.”

“You do it,” Kaiba said, “you’re the reason they exist.”

“You’re the one who gave birth to them,” Jounouchi told him with raised eyebrows, “anyway, I saved him yesterday, it’s your turn.” He settled in more comfortably, pulling the sheets closer around him and closing his eyes. For a long silent moment, Kaiba stared at Jounouchi, blue eyes narrowed. He sighed heavily then and sat up, shoving the sheets aside as he got out of bed.

“Fine,” he grumbled, “but you better be naked and ready when I get back.”

“Sure thing, babe,” Jounouchi replied with a yawn.

As Kaiba left the room he knew in his gut that by the time he got back, Jounouchi would be asleep, and he too tired from chasing his little imps to do much of anything. He grimaced then as he started down the corridor.

 _Fuck magical seahorses,_  he thought tiredly, turning the corner. It was then that he spotted his children giggling outside a closed door. He grimaced, knowing Mokuba would be beyond it.  _G_ _oddamn this curse,_ he thought petulantly, _I hate this._  The triplets were in their Blue Eyes White Dragon pajamas, their plush dragon toys in their arms. They looked to him with bright smiles and ran to him excitedly, dropping their toys and embracing his legs. Looking down at them, Kaiba could not help but return the smile. His children, though evil incarnate, were downright adorable.

“I love you, daddy,” the three said in unison and Kaiba crouched to embrace them, his anger vanishing.

 _Okay,_  he thought, his heart swelling with affection,  _maybe I don’t hate this._

 

**The End**

**Author's Note:**

> So, that's that. I barely spent any time editing, forgive any errors. Also, I wrote this in two days, so there might be a ton of errors.
> 
> I'm pretty sure I lost focus halfway through this fic. (Also, I totally managed to sneak in some puzzle/blindshipping because I will always be Atemu/Yuugi trash.) But I sure hope it was at least funny. I mean, this fic was a total train wreck, really. Did you like?
> 
> Follow me on twitter [@nanadanonini](https://twitter.com/nanadanonini)! I post writing updates, life tidbits, line excerpts, and more! It's also great to let y'all know if I'm delaying a chapter update! You can also interact with me. ♡


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